27.8.25 - I wish I was pretty as the other girls. I mean-- I have some friends. but nowhere to sit at lunch. im pinkpilled and I hate it. nnot every girl can be skinny or have zero acne. I want to feel loved by someone, anyone. I dont thinnk IM THAT bad loolking..maybe. ibdont know anymore. self loathing sux. Please be kind to me. i THINK its the only way for me to be loved. i will go on my own terms. That or go the other route. Need to get out of this town before it kills me. out out out out.

On love/death

Love is weird, Some people think its a feeling or that its chemistry. i believe its quite natural. Everyone is capable of the feeling. The fun thing is that you can easily say "I love you" yet not actually mean it to the person.

Death is also natural, Everything that is born, dies. I dont think its wrong to C.T.B, It is genuinely your choice. Ive oddly became comfortable with death..Just a bit nervous though.

very much comments in the code :)

26.8.25 - I saw a little news segment about a boy in ohio giving a soldier 20 bucks. Turns out his dad died when he was 5 weeks young or something? his father was also a solder. It was nice of him. In this day and age, People dont have as much sympathy or empathy for people online. I do not like that!!

26.8.25 -SINCE WHEN WERE THE BASEMENT TAPE TRANSCRIPT RELEASED ??????>????? anyway, I have no idea what im writng now. fuck. um. I know its a shit-ass diary amd im supposed to be breaking out my feelings but I just cant. A lot of the time, I feel everything and nolhing. Emotions feel dull even if I feel everything. (PROBABLY 20MG LEXAPRO SADFACE) Whats wrong with me? How cAn I pour out my feelings to losers who are across the world but not the internet?
I believe even the worst people have some potential in them. That is a flaw I have. My father has called me "nice" and "sweet." Maybe that's a flaw? I am willing to help anyone with anything. I will support my friends. I tend to people please, which is my biggest flaw. I wish I was a bit meaner.

My mother died when I was 5. Asthma attack in her sleep, But she also smoked cigarettes I have some form of hatered of alcoholism; the illness, Not the people. Turns out people don't tell you stuff when a parent dies, Like your gonna be grieving them for a long time, or that you can't stand seeing that empty seat when you get married or finally graduate. People are always saying "It's gonna get better" But in reality, This is as good as its gonna get. They were wrong about the 5-7 stages of grief. It's different for everyone. But this grief feels like a mix of Chronic and complicated. The way it never ends; A never ending hall. It feels ambiguous, The way I never got to say goodbye. I had to teach myself hair and makeup, But when I see a girl and her mom, I'm secretly jealous. Why can't I have my mom? It's not fair. I have told my best friends more secrets than her grave.

I see more of herself in me than..well, her. It hurts. I like TV girl. Hate memory.

The only possible actual memory I have of her is her sitting out on the old porch, its nighttime and shes smoking and sitting..or standing? the memory has gotten semi-blurry nowadays.

20.8.25 - Hi sam, I certainly dont mind doing this with you. I read your message and I know your past -- Im sorry about that. Im very much introverted.. maybe its why i havent had many friends. Have you ever heard of respawning? i know ive talked about it before. And I also couldnt do anything like this with any other friend. they would be worried about me or reject the idea. I do love my real friends and family but I feel trapped almost. I doont get why ■■■■■■■ is looked down upon. Even at a healthy state of mind -- I certainly dont turn away the idea. [1:28PM]

20.8.25 - Ive managed to set this up. hopefuly this works!! [1:08PM]